Show yourself as you are! I have heard that phrase millions of times, in fact I have said it many more times, it seems to be the rule in which we all see ourselves, but in my case it has not been that way, because "showing myself as I honestly am" It involves being vulnerable and revealing that version of myself that in many ways has pained me for years and that I have not been able to face on many occasions and that I have hidden for protection.
However, in recent weeks I have decided to explore the meaning of my own vulnerability, the weight it has and how much energy it takes from me to try not to appear vulnerable. The topic is dense, but accepting and experiencing vulnerability is something so human, real and intensely dangerous, that I understand why I and many people try to show only our empowered and brilliant version of our lives. It is not just for pleasure or to look good, it is for protection, it is for fear of being criticized, it is to avoid shame, it is because vulnerability opens the door to ridicule, for people to give their opinion, for them to see you and for destroy you (sounds familiar).
I have been reading some books, especially the author Brené Brown, who has helped me understand vulnerability from the other side of the coin, better understand my need to let go, to to travel lighter, to grow as a human being, to forgive myself, to accept and surrender to control and expectations.
Vulnerability opens the door to experiencing fear, fear of a million things, of not being enough, of not meeting standards, of not being what was expected, etc. and fear leads us to withdraw, to hide, to reject those emotions of shame, shame, fear, etc. and therefore denying that those emotions exist is an easy way to get by in the moment. "If I refuse, I don't feel; Therefore I don't have to navigate with my fears," which is not true, because those emotions are still there and they will come out in one way or another. In my case it was an eating disorder, anxiety and destructive behaviors.
Shame is an emotion that we all experience and of course it is not at all comfortable on a physical level, some of us sweat, cry, blush, etc., and even less so on an emotional and social because it leads us to question our own value and often disconnect from ourselves and others. Shame is, from my point of view, one of the most unpleasant emotions we can feel and I suppose that is why we avoid feeling it at all costs, protecting our vulnerability with armor so that we prevent something, someone or ourselves from experiencing it again.
Recognizing my vulnerability and knowing what can trigger shame in me is really important in my internal growth process, because my resilience and my ability to give criticism will depend on it. constructive to my own mistakes. And at the same time cultivate values such as courage, compassion, forgiveness, love, connection, etc., because it is these values that give me the courage to accept that I am imperfect to a large extent, that I do things wrong, that I am not as pretty as others. magazines say that I have to be, that I am not as intelligent as others expect me to be, that I am not even close to being the best mother and of course very far from being the best wife, that my life has been chaos, that I have left go millions of good opportunities, that I left everything to come to a new country and that my recovery is a roller coaster, that I have hurt many, that I have betrayed, that I have done terrible things and yes, still With all that I am still a WOMAN WITH A LOT OF VALUE. Because my value then does not lie in my actions alone, but rather in the meaning that I give to those actions; where my beliefs and my faith are.
And after practicing over and over again sharing my vulnerability, I have begun to accept and embrace my imperfections and for some reason as an immediate result of opening that door, I have also begun to genuinely embracing the imperfections of others, that is, my empathy also grew, compassion for me also opened a channel of love and stronger connection for my family, friends and acquaintances.
Maybe this thing about being vulnerable "sounds very romantic" to you. And the truth is, I understand you because I was there, where just talking about internal growth or books on personal improvement was seen as weakness. But the years have been responsible for showing me that in reality it would not have been so bad to start my internal growth earlier and perhaps it would have helped me find a kinder way of relating to myself, in the end it did not happen_11100000-0000-0000-0000- 000000000111_before and it happened now and I am grateful to be here at this moment.
Finally, he just wants to encourage you to look for healthier ways of relating that suit you, tell you that there are no absolute truths and that it is up to each of us to seek our well-being, And why not, I invite you to ask yourself: How vulnerable are you? How much does that vulnerability cost you? And how much are you willing to show yourself vulnerable and experience in a certain way the shame or guilt that is generated from? And reflect on your answers.
I leave you a huge hug, but not before telling you that when writing this blog, I am experiencing shame and fear, but I know that you will be able to read me with a lot of compassion and love because in this issue of vulnerability we are all equal.
Karla Manzanilla.
