This weekend I decided not to put off cleaning my closet any longer, especially that area where there were all those clothes that I assumed no longer fit me, but that I hadn't even had the courage to look at. At the same time I decided to change my seasonal clothes, to be honest, I was terrified of discovering what would fit me and what wouldn't? Because although I am not going to talk about sizes, I can assure you that I have gained weight and various sizes, and although I already knew it, I kept my distance so as not to face that reality, how much was the change?
And my fears came true, many clothes had to come out of my closet, some of them brought back very strong memories of the TCA and somehow without realizing it, those clothes kept me tied to that stage; and letting her go was difficult, it was saying goodbye to every relationship with anorexia, it was saying goodbye to the security that those sizes gave me, it was accepting that that is not me, it was letting go of my "Ideal" body (sick and almost dead), It was once again going through grief, accepting the pain, crying and giving myself a lot of love.
Along with that grief, it also brought back many memories of fears that were there for years, false truths about self-worth and absurd goals only related to my weight, my size, my body. And allowing myself to remember it and feel it made me realize that I never want to go back, that there is no longer a place for me there in that world, that in fact I feel incapable of hurting myself so much and that in a certain way it also hurts "Because it's over." "The war with my body, I can't fight anymore, I surrender and take out the flag of peace."
After going through my process of grieving, feeling, tantrums, anger, sadness, I thank God for always keeping me in his palm, for never letting go and for giving me the great opportunity to Live, for putting very dark paths in my path. my life, for all my mistakes and my successes and for your unconditional love!! Today I am the same Karla but with eyes that can see, ears that can hear and a heart that can love.
Definitely the healing process is a constant and day-to-day process, I almost think it will be endless because as long as there is life there will be things to heal, let go and grow. Also accept that anything can trigger those fears that I used to play with, however I learned to listen to them, recognize them and let go of them without anger and a lot of compassion.
I used to say "I will go to the grave skinny" today I say "I will live before I go to the grave."
Lately I like to give advice even if I am not asked for it (sorry), if you are healed, hug yourself a lot and if you are already healed, hug others who are in the process, no journey to recovery is the same, however the ability to live empathy and Compassion among those of us who have experienced it is basic and fundamental to helping others.
